That Sinking Feeling in Your Heart
[ Ever had that sinking feeling in your heart? ]
It is this deep sadness mixed with shame and disappointment.
That’s how I feel when I think I am going to win an award/recognition and I don’t.
It is awful.
When this happened to me in 2018 (twice), I wanted to curl into a ball and skip through the experience. On both occasions, I wanted to be absent at each event because I knew I couldn’t handle not getting an award.
Man, it hurts so bad to even admit this right now. My throat is getting sore and choked up because the tears are wanting to push through. It just hurts. It hurts to be nothing. Then, at the same time, I am so embarrassed for even feeling this way in the first place. I feel ridiculous.
It would feel entirely different if I was not a doer or an action taker. It would be different if I was not a mover and shaker. Then, I would absolutely understand and not even consider getting recognized a possibility.
Don’t get me wrong, I know the advice I will receive and how I am supposed to be in these situations. I know the obvious, practical maturity I am lacking in this situation. I’m acutely aware.
But I am human and I don’t want to act. I don’t want to behave a certain way to please others. I can do that on stage, but not in my life.
So, here I am. Sad. Hurt. Defeated. Ashamed. Embarrassed.
I don’t have some strong outlook or major lesson learned from this share except that my actions may not be noteworthy enough to others and I have to learn to be okay with that. I have to remind myself that my purpose is to not get recognition. Simultaneously, I am 38, about to turn 39, so I think how I feel about the situation is how I feel. It far more difficult to act like someone I am not.
So … who’s got a box of tissues? I need to blow my nose cause I’m crying and feel like crap. I know I will get over it. I just need time.
If you are a performer going through a rough time and you want someone to understand, reach out to me. I won’t try to change how you are feeling. I will actually be there for you and help you understand that it is okay to feel how you feel.