Auditions Make Me Inferior
[ Auditions Make Me Inferior ]
As I grow more honest and authentic with myself, my dislike for auditioning has become blatantly clear. It makes me feel awful about myself.
I attended an audition the other night with the lovely people. Everyone was handling the tension differently. Some were putting in extra energy and laughter with their interactions, some were pacing the room, some were quietly sitting and drinking water, and some were trying to connect with as many people as possible.
I found myself more quiet than usual. I couldn’t ignore the pit in my stomach. I felt ready to be judged on anything I was saying simply because I was there to be judged.
I’ve gone into auditions in the past thinking it was a solid opportunity to do another show. I was overly confident. To my surprise, I would not get cast, and it hit me hard. I would try my best to handle it with grace outwardly, but nothing could deny the pain a caused me. I was not good enough.
On several occasions, I’ve had friends behind the casting table, which made the rejection significantly harder. It is like this big reveal that even a good friend doesn’t believe in you. The reasoning on my friends end does not matter. It still hurts.
So, there I was at the audition feigning normality, being bombarded with memories of rejection, and therefore, feeling like shit. I felt like an outsider, a nothing. I did not like that I was me. The fact that I was surrounded by nice people and still felt this way solidified that it was the setting itself that was my enemy. The audition.
If you are struggling through audition season emotionally, there are so many others suffering through it as well. Some handle it better than others, but that is not your concern. Be true to how you are feeling in order to take proper care of yourself and recover. I’m clearly not an expert on how to get out of it, but I’m most definitely here with you in the trenches.